by Debra | Mar 6, 2017
How to shift your perspective in life in a personal or couples retreat to lead a more joyous life.
Have you noticed that certain people move through their life with joy and ease, while others seem to be always wrapped up in the drama of what life can be? People that are more joyous and content with their life don’t necessarily have more abundance, love, or success. They just have the ability to be grateful for what they do have and they do not dwell on what they don’t have.
Our realities are very individual and come from completely different experiences from our childhood. Suffering and despair come from what’s going on inside of us not what’s going on outside of us. So if we are moving through our day without joy or being content, it is because we are buying into a story from our childhood. If we have the ability to get out of our story and look in the present moment and turn our attention to what is good, this changes our reality in a moment.
If you look at the world that we are living in, it appears to be unpredictable and filled with highs and lows. This is life! If we expect life to only be highs and no lows, we will find ourselves suffering most of the time. If we can somehow just realize that both grand moments and moments of desperation are impermanent we will be able to move through life with less suffering.
It’s important to observe life with a conscious eye, realizing that the struggles you are having in this moment are for your higher learning to help you see just how impermanent everything truly is.
It is also important to not view things as good and bad so you can appreciate the amazing insights showing up for you in every moment in your life. When we choose to love life just as life is with all of its ups and downs, the hardships will not take away our joy. So no matter what is going on in your life you can be joyous! And when you are joyous this is what you will put out into the world. So pay attention to how you are viewing each situation and see how you might be able to see it through a different lens.
by Debra | Feb 27, 2017
Find out why things happen in your life through a personal retreat.
It is easy for us to become overwhelmed with the complexity and challenges of our life. When things are not going our way and seem to be reeling out of control, we may become anxious, angry, or shut down. Looking at just the situation and not looking at why the situation is being presented to us for our higher learning, could cause a disruption in our being.
Is it possible to stay in alignment, to stay calm and be at peace through challenging situations? I believe we can if we shift our awareness to why this might be happening for our growth and not get caught up in the drama of the situation.
I was talking with a client the other day and she was feeling very overwhelmed with her son being caught up in his drama as well as her situation of her parents having to go into a nursing home. She was totally having a meltdown and bothered by the fact that her son couldn’t step out of his drama and behave differently, while she was having to deal with her parents.
I explained to her that the way she was reacting to her situation was similar to the way her son was acting around his situation, they both were full of drama. Her son had said that he didn’t feel like she was available to him because of her having to deal with her parents. We talked about that putting her parents into a nursing home was just part of life.
The reason she was getting triggered about this situation was because her ego was in story about how she was going to be all alone. If she could see that the situation with both her parents and her son was an opportunity to realize that life is full of ups and downs, she would not have to be up and down in her emotions to deal with it. For a fact, when she is emotionally up and down it’s harder to deal with the issues at hand. The opportunity that she had was to learn that her ego was talking to her again about her aloneness and for her not to listen to that voice so that she could show up for her son and her parents in a more present way.
If we keep our eyes open to the learning that life has to offer, we will respond to the situations in a much more present and calm way. The universe wants to co-create with us for our higher learning therefore will put situations in our path to help us grow. When we put our attention on the situation instead of the learning, we miss huge opportunities for growth.
by Debra | Feb 6, 2017
I know that often when setting boundaries I hear my Ego mind telling me what a terrible mother I am, how selfish I am and to just be compassionate and caring like the Buddha. It’s interesting how manipulative my Ego mind can be by bringing in the Buddha that way. Whenever I try to take care of myself and have boundaries, I hear this Ego voice loud and clear.
Even though this voice comes in and tries to persuade me it doesn’t mean I have to listen, agree and then do what it says. This is the tough part because once this voice speaks, the quilt and shame come in heavily.
Lets look at what the voice is saying. “If you don’t do what others want, you are a bad person and you are not being compassionate.” Something that is taught in Buddhism is to have compassion. This isn’t just compassion for others, it’s also compassion for yourself. I believe if you cannot have compassion for yourself, when you act for others in thinking you are being compassionate, it is more like an obligation.
When we act out of obligation under the guise of compassion, anger and resentment will often follow. If we are helping someone through our anger and resentment, the energy it carries is not caring at all. If a situation can’t be a win-win, it will be a lose-lose. Meaning, if I do for someone out of obligation, it’s a loss for me. It may look like a win for them, but because it’s a loss for me, it can’t really be a win for them. The only way it can truly be a win for them is if I’m not losing as well.
If I’m being compassionate to them and not myself, this creates a win-lose, which is really a lose-lose. If I give up a part of myself to make things good for another, I will be listening to my Ego voice, in of itself is a loss because I never want to strengthen this part of myself. It goes against the universal law, which is win-win.
It is particularly difficult for mothers having boundaries with their grown up kids because we are used to sacrificing ourselves for our children and we believe this is what we should be doing.
I love what Kahlil Gibran says about the relationship between parents and children.
On Children
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
-Kahlil Gibran
If you have a tough time having compassion for your self and setting boundaries, more spiritual work on mastering your ego mind is necessary. Through my individual retreats and mentoring you can learn how to care for yourself in a loving way.
by Debra | Jan 29, 2017
It might be easier to talk about what doesn’t cause fear in us, right? The biggest cause of fear is that we think we are separate from each other and source. I hear more than I care to admit from clients, friends and in myself at times, that we feel alone, isolated and separated.
For me when I think of the physical world as real, that’s when things get scary. What would be the point? If getting a better job, bigger house, the perfect boyfriend, etc. was the end all, no thank you! There just has to be more.
So what is the “More”?
The “More” for me is my evolution, for me to grow and be the best version of myself. How do I do that? First, I have to pay attention to my thoughts and actions. If my ego mind is telling me that I am separate, I have to thank it for sharing and say “I’m not buying into that old belief.” And then not take the suggested action, like trying to get away from my feelings of loneliness by medicating.
Another thing we do that cause fear is have expectations. We think things need to work out a certain way for us to be happy and content. When things don’t work out as planned, we are filled with fear and we suffer. Think about all the different expectations you have in your life, actually write down all the things in your life that you want to show up differently. Also write down how you feel when they don’t show up that way.
When we go out in the world and do things to get a certain result and things don’t work out the way we thought, we get very disappointed and fearful. It we are co-creating with the universe maybe our vision isn’t in our best interest and the universe has another plan. If we aren’t aware of our ego’s voice, it will be hard to be guided by the universe. We won’t be able to hear it because the ego is yakking to loudly.
Self-exploration is the only way we can face fear front and center. Look at it, figure out what it is saying and then don’t listen to it, no matter what. Ask Source what it has planned for us, what’s in our higher good. Deciphering our inner voices can be tricky and it usually takes an outside mentor to help you see things clearly. An individual retreat can give you all the tools you need to get the clarity you need to see your higher self and hear Source. When we are able to hear Source we are able to live in a place of Love, not fear and flow with ease and grace.
“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.”
― John Lennon
by Debra | Jan 23, 2017
Why is touch is so important?
Touch signals safety and trust and it actually soothes us mentally and physically. If you are in a stressful situation and the person consoling you gently touches you, your body and mental mind will naturally think things are going to be okay.
Touch is so important in so many ways. Here are just a few of the benefits of touch.
- Stronger Immune System- Physical touch decreases disease. Research conducted at Northern Carolina, determined that women who receive more hugs from their partners had lower heart rates and blood pressure. The research also showed that,“hugs strengthened the immune system and calmed the nervous system.”
- Less Aggression- American developmental psychologist, James W. Prescott, claimed that the origins of violence in society were related to the lack of mother-child bonding. The absence of physical touch, bonding and healthy attachment between adult and child may result in lifelong emotional disturbances. In two different studies, The Touch Research Institute found that French children received more touch from parents and their peers and as a result, were less aggressive than their American counterparts.
- Greater Trust- touch activates the brain’s orbitofrontal cortex linked which leads to feelings of compassion, connection and a stronger bond between people. A simple touch can release oxytocin, the love hormone and bring up an emotional response. With a slight touch during a highly aggravated state, we tend to naturally feel at ease and more trusting of the outcome.
- Overall well being- We as humans require touch to thrive. A wave of studies has shown that there are incredible emotional and physical health benefits that come with touch. In the one of the experiments, touch lessened pain, improved pulmonary function, increased growth in infants, lowered blood glucose and improved immune function.
- Infant development- The more infants are touched, the faster they gain weight, and have better mental and motor skills. While touching them on the back of the legs calms babies, a gentle touch on the face, belly and feet excites them. When babies are held, their immune system strengthens.
We are social beings and all want to feel a sense of connection. While most of our connection comes from the conversations we have with one another, touch is a very important factor when bonding with others. When things in life get hectic and touch is minimal between loved ones, we tend to feel less connected.
I have had more than a few conversations with my other single friends and we all agree that the part we miss most about being in relationship is the touch. Some of us may go months without being touched. This is where getting regular massages and petting our animals can really help.
When I was in my thirties, it was more acceptable for my friends to be affectionate with me. The older I got, the less women around me express affection, I could tell that simple touch made women feel a bit uncomfortable. When it comes to men, if I am affectionate with them, they sometimes think that I’m coming on to them. When you have boundaries established with men who are friends, then it is easier for both parties to be affectionate.
I invite you to explore more touch. Be affectionate with people and your pets. You can also be affectionate with yourself. Try to explore different textures and touch sensations, such as letting cool sand run through your fingers or taking a warm relaxing bath. Don’t starve yourself from touch, it is so important to our physical and mental health. Give a hug to someone who needs it today, and you just might find that you needed it too. Explore your own feelings around being or not being touched from an individual retreat or mentoring.
by Debra | Jan 9, 2017
The most important relationship in your life is you. Learn about it in an Individual Retreat.
The most important relationship we have is the one with ourselves. We are the only ones that witnesses our life every step of the way. The relationship we have with ourselves is the most intimate relationship we will ever have. There is not going to be anyone else that will know you as well as you know yourself. So why is it so hard to develop a close relationship with ourselves?
We tend to look outside for happiness. We were trained as children to search for happiness in others and in things. Look how our culture puts romantic relationships before the relationship with self.
Until we really get to know ourselves and love ourselves we can’t possibly create a romantic relationship that aligns with our higher purpose. Until we learn how to be alone and love ourselves as we are, it will be difficult for us to bring in a partner that will support our dreams and desires. Getting to know yourself is the focus of the individual retreats I lead.
In order to develop a relationship with ourselves, we need to spend a fair amount of time alone.
Why is being alone so difficult for some?
I used to have anxiety around being alone. I started looking at where that came from and why it was so difficult for me. It definitely came from my childhood.. When I started looking at my feelings and anxiety around this aloneness, it brought me closer to myself. My discomforts lead me to knowing myself and loving myself. Now, I can say that I actually enjoy the time I spend alone. Every time I do, I get to know myself better and develop a deeper love for who I am.
If we are not connected to ourselves it will be hard for us to bring in a primary partnership that is in alignment with who we are. If we do not know who we are, how will we know someone else? So it is only through self-exploration and self-love that we can be in a partnership that is truly nourishing and loving.
by Debra | Jan 2, 2017
Working through your resentment in a retreat, can be life changing!
We have the habit of creating expectations in almost every situation. When things don’t go according to plan, we can become angry and resentful. These expectations often get projected on to others. When others don’t meet our expectations, there is often a feeling of loss. Loss then leads to anger, and stored anger leads to resentment and bitterness.
We set ourselves up for disappointment when we expect a certain result. When we get triggered by these expectations and disappointments, we have the opportunity to look at where we at, and where we are not in the flow with the universe.
The real practice here is letting go of your attachment to the outcome.
I can work toward a goal but if I become attached to the outcome, then I will be disappointed if it doesn’t show up in the way I want.
When we are attached to outcomes, we become the victims who have to deal with the resentment and bitterness of things not fulfilling our hopes and expectations.
Bitterness and victimization cuts us off from love and our open hearts. If we do not have an open heart, love cannot flow to us or through us. It is very important to notice how we set up situations with attachment to the outcome. From there we need to work through our resentment before it grabs hold of us. The best way to work through resentment and bitterness can be as simple as forgiving yourself or others and just move on.
Great learning and healing can come from these situations bound in expectations and attachment. We can settle in a place of contentment, knowing that the outcome is perfect, just the way it is. We are always co-creating with the universe to heal our old wounds, it’s just difficult to know it is for our higher learning.
So check in with yourself when you are setting goals or trying to accomplish something. Are you attached in the outcome before you even start? And if you think you are, settle into the fact that maybe what you think is a better outcome for you might not be so.
by Debra | Dec 19, 2016
What does our world look like when our words don’t line up with our actions?
How much power do our words have without the actions behind them? NONE! In my practice, I always talk to my clients about their word and how it can have power or no power at all. Our words carry a lot of weight, but it is through our actions that we can make something come to fruition. Think of the saying, “actions speak louder than words” it is so true!
To be in alignment with ourselves, our actions must line up with our words. It is a good practice to ask ourselves throughout the day, “what am I saying to others and myself?” and “Do I actually do what I say I will do?” If we continue to talk about doing things that we don’t actually do, our words will lose power. What if our words loose power around our dreams and desires? That would be pretty bad. If we talk about a dream we have and don’t take any action, it’s not going to come to fruition. Taking small steps towards our dreams will make it become a reality.
If we say,“I can’t, I tried, I don’t see how it could happen” and our action is minimal, we can’t be surprised with the result.
I think it’s important to be real with ourselves. If we don’t back our words up with the actions it takes to bring something into being, it won’t happen. I think one of the biggest problems we face is failing to get things done. We really believe that we take actions required to make things happen, when in reality we don’t.
When we talk about doing things, either in our personal life or out in the world, we often lack the actions needed to make it happen. This pattern damages our sense of self because deep inside us, we know we aren’t in alignment with who we say we are. This is something we work on in my women’s and couples retreat. If in partnership both parties aren’t doing what they say they are, trust is broken and it’s is difficult to build an intimate relationship with your partner, and of course yourself.
by Debra | Dec 5, 2016
How to create a world where we honor ourselves and each other?
I am writing this article to adults and care givers of children to let you know, that sexting is causing a big problem in the world today. This was brought to my attention just the other day when my client told me that her 13-year-old daughter has been sexting her new boyfriend. This is a frightening thing for parents. The teens growing up today have unlimited access to all kinds of sexual and crude things on the Internet. It is too easy for young girls and boys to look up porn and become influenced by sexual related content.
As a country, are we viewing sexual behavior as casual? This is a question we must ask ourselves. It seems like a lot of women don’t understand the harm they cause by disrespecting their own bodies, and allowing men to do the same. Women of all ages must learn to confidently set boundaries with men. And men must learn to respect women just as they are. If older women and men don’t see the problem, then how will our youth learn to respect themselves?
One time I went out with a 63 year-old man, and on the 2nd date he told me I had a sweet ass. “Wow, really!” I said, and continued to tell him that his comment was inappropriate and objectifying towards women. He got very defensive and said it was just a compliment. This was a 63-year-old man that was never trained to respect women.
So what do we do about this? First we have to not allow it. We have to let men know that we respect ourselves and expect them to do the same. If men don’t want to date us because we stand up for ourselves, then so be it. I ask teen girls all the time, “Do you want a boyfriend that doesn’t respect you or other women?” They say no but they also feel threatened by other girls who are playing the sexting game because those are the ones who end up with boyfriends.
So, adults it’s up to you to teach young boys about respecting girls. It’s your job as an older male to know your position in the world, even if you don’t have children, talk to young boys about the importance of respecting women.
If we don’t want a world filled with dishonor and crudeness, it is up to us . Women, take a stand when a male says or does something to you that is disrespectful. Girls, when a boy asks for a nude picture, set him straight. Men, stop talking about sex, like it is a porn movie, and set a good example for younger boys and other men. It is up to us to create a loving and honoring environment to live in. When I was growing up, sex used to be more scared. How can we teach our youth to see the body and the mind as something sacred? What are you going to do with this issue? Will you contribute to the dishonor or help create respect for both men and women?
If you are having difficulties honoring yourself, a spiritual retreat in Sedona might be for you.
by Debra | Nov 28, 2016
How can we use our pain as our teacher?
In many of my Sedona soul retreats, my clients complain about habitual pain they’ve experienced in their bodies. No matter what they do they can’t seem to rid themselves of it.
First, just knowing that pain comes and goes, to acknowledge its impermanent nature is helpful. Most people will feel pain at some time in their life, but it is important not to allow pain to define our sense of who we are to the point where it unnecessarily affects our well being. However, in the midst of consistent pain, this may prove to be a difficult task.
I remember when I suffered with an illness and was in pain for about two years; the pain became a part of who I was. I talked about my pain a lot and really believed it was here to stay. When it finally dissipated I was shocked and so relieved. Now when pain comes into my life, I don’t feed it the extra energy that allows it to become the primary thing that defines me. I look at my underlying feelings around the pain and view it as a teacher with lessons to offer.
My body, stomach issues, eye sight, and teeth have all been great teachers for me. When I don’t become solely fixated on the physical pain of an illness, there is a great opportunity for me to connect more deeply with myself. Sometime this isn’t easy at all. Oftentimes, we try to rid ourselves of the pain without acknowledging the connection between physical pain and our emotional body. Perhaps this is because the deep-rooted emotions and traumas within us can oftentimes be more troubling to face than the physical pain itself.
When we treat pain only as a backache, crones, arthritis, etc., we are dealing with half of the problem. Over the course of those two years, the main feelings that came up for me were, “I’m all alone in this and nobody loves me.” This is what my Ego-mind was telling me. It is interesting how physical pain could trigger such core wounding for me. Pain usually does refer us to wounding that is dormant within us, so be aware of this connection when looking at what your Ego mind is saying about the pain.
It is critical to go beyond our surface-level mindless chatter that upholds the notion that our pain is solidified and unchanging, that it is now who we are, and we cannot change it. By seeing the physical connection to our emotions and past wounding, we can begin to work with the full scope of our pain and have control over it, rather than allowing it to continue to control our sense of self and purpose.
I have worked with many people in my personal retreats that have had chronic pain, to find that when they connect into their emotional triggers, the pain lessens. If you are continually connecting with the same patterns around your pain, move into what the pain is actually saying and know that the message the Ego mind is delivering isn’t the truth and the pain is impermanent.
What does your pain say? Think about it and let me know.
by Debra | Nov 21, 2016
I wrote this for my Empowered Teens and Parents site and really thought it would be good for my Sedona Soul Retrieval, incase their were any parents. Look at how you can empower yourself to empower your teen.
What do you desire for your teen? Do you want them to be empowered, to be happy, caring, and respectful? Do you want them to be able to communicate well and to fulfill their dreams, to love themselves, to be confident, independent and self assured? How about hoping they will make good decisions, be productive in life, be kindhearted, and have really good values?
If so, how can we help empower our teens? We can:
- listen to them
- step into their reality
- give them more praise and less criticism
- let them follow their dreams and not push our dreams on them
- teach them how to manage their life knowing that they are on the biggest learning curve of their life
- allow mistakes to be the pathway to learning
- be a role model showing them that you can handle challenges without losing your cool
Take a moment and think about what stops you from empowering your teen.
Fears and triggers are a big reason why we don’t follow through. And when we react to our teen rather than support him or her, they tend to shut down and stop listening to us. Instead, they begin listening to their peers, the exact opposite of what we want. We want to guide our own teens.
Take a look at your behavior when you are around your teen. What are your fears and triggers like when it comes to your teen? The answer is probably many things. Bad grades, drugs, too much internet, not listening, not respecting their bodies, getting with the wrong crowd, and their well being are just a few things to top the list.
So how do you stop reacting to your teen? First of all, you stop projecting your fears onto them and stop blaming them for your fears. Own your own feelings and stop believing that your teen is the cause of your fears. You have a choice. You can act from the higher self inside of you, the self that knows that your feelings come from what’s happening inside. Or you can act from your lower self, the inner child that’s very wounded and thinks that everything we feel is because of something or someone on the outside. It’s very important to understand that all of our feelings come from what’s happening on the inside, not on the outside. So if your teen does something that triggers you, it’s not about them. It’s actually coming from you, from a wound in your childhood that’s being triggered.
by Debra | Nov 14, 2016
How To Deal with a Difficult Family
It is that time again, the holiday season is upon us. This can be a joyous time, and it can also be a time of conflict, especially with family members.
Many of us have experienced difficult situations around this time with family. It can be especially challenging when we travel to visit family members because we are in someone else’s environment and can’t always do our own thing. I usually go to Oregon to see my daughters and grandson. My oldest daughter chooses not to celebrate the Christmas holiday. She thinks it ridiculous and quiet frankly so do I. Regardless, I go see them because it is important to be together. We usually cook and try to not get on each other’s nerves too much. I always know where I am in my process and clearly see my limiting beliefs. I think we can all agree that during the holidays the tension is definitely higher.
We get triggered the most and take things personally when we are around our family members. What I want to talk about is how to be around family members and stay alive. Clients often tell me, “If she wasn’t my sister, or my mother, etc. I wouldn’t be in a relationship with her.” But it’s tough to avoid your mother, husband or kids.
The beauty is, our family is our biggest teacher. They let us know exactly where we are in our personal development and show us our limits to love. In a family where everyone is doing their personal work, and no one is projecting on to others, one might not have to worry about the triggers. Sorry, I had a little giggle because I have never seen such a family. Mostly what I see and experience is our humanness. We are all doing the best we can, and continue to try to come out of our family dynamics alive.
What if we could shift from our survival mode of “getting out alive,” to seeing our experience as an opportunity to learn?
Here are some tips you can try out this year. First and foremost, don’t take things too personally, including people’s opinions, like the new president. Let others have their opinions, even if it is about you. If you are in a tough conversation you can simply say, “that’s interesting.” Try not to get sucked into the “I gotta win game.” Let them think and be who they are. Love them for who they are.
A good personal check in is to see if you are experiencing any anxiety, depression or severe physical symptoms from your interactions with family. This lets you know that you are taking things way too personally and believing their behavior is actually about you, when it’s not.
Family time is a chance to set boundaries and make sure you are taking care of yourself. This is easier said than done, especially when in the triggers seem endless.
Here are some simple tips you can use to stay calm around family:
- Their behavior isn’t about you
- Don’t engage in trying to win conversations, just say, “That’s interesting.”
- See interaction as an opportunity to grow
- They are doing the best they can
- Love them for who they are (even if their crazy)
- Find ways to take care of your self while around them
Enjoy your holiday season and learn to love passed your limits!
